So I'm not sure how I feel today, It's a holiday that I don't really partake in... So I'm not sure how I really feel, for the first time in along time I gave out cards and goodies, because I wanted to... Most of the time I feel like I have to give people something on this wonderfully miserable day! I'm not even sure when my passionate hate of this day came about... It could have been the year that my ex cheated on me with a friend of mine on this day, or the year I was broken up with on this day, it could very well be the year that my grandmother died on this day! I'm not sure what it is but I really do hate this day, and I don't hate a lot of things!

Also I had to work today, that wouldn't have been so bad if I wasn't sick... Not just sick but I was out of school and work for almost a week with the stupid flu, and if I didn't need the money I would have called in... But I dragged my ass out of bed, so I could pay my damn bills... All for a wonderful job that pays $7.95 an hour, whoo freaking hoo... I could be doing a lot harder job then what I am for that I know, I could be flipping burgers... But I could be making that in a place I really love working at right, Loved my old job at the coffee shop... That's the best job anyone could ever have, you have so much fun and meet some of the best people there..

So this year I'm working with OSPIRG and things are crazy in that... I love what I'm doing don't get me wrong, I'm just getting burned out... I'm tired of being the only one who is working on the textbook fight... I would love to be able to be sick like I was and know things are getting done, but I know if I'm sick nothing is getting done, and I'm getting behind... There is so much pressure on my shoulders from everyone, but what they don't see is I'm sinking... I have put so much of myself into this campaign and I'm starting to run out of everything, I have no new Idea's coming to me, no drive to get people pumped... I need some new blood, I see why the old coordinator was jumping to get out of the hoops... You get burned out with out some support... Don't get me wrong I know I have help if I need it, but it's different when you know that people are doing because they want to, not because you asked... Even better when people do things when you don't ask, they just get done... I would love to come into the office and have at least something done... It's worse when I don't get things done I feel guilty, that I didn't have it done... That it's my fault and I should have tried harder, and I let everyone down... Maybe I just put to much pressure on myself, but I have always been like that...

I don't know what is worse putting the pressure on myself for OSPIRG, or my unhealthy striff to be the perfect daughter to my parents... I have always had this unhealthy desire to be perfect for my parents, all do to my sister hurting them so bad... I don't ever want to put my paretns in that pain again, I almost killed them... Every time my sister comes into their life they die a little more, and it kills me to see my parents hurt so much... I think I would die if I ever made my mom cry for the reasons my sister has, no one should be so mean to their mom... I'm not saying it's right, but if you are going to hurt your mom that bad, just kill her spare her the pain... I don't know when it started this desire or phobia of mine, but I have always remember having it...